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NOTE : this is quite a pointless post…don’t read it unless you are that bored

This is so sickening…
i’m like so…NOT prepared…
my algorithm is so gone!!!
i don’t know anything about it… and i have myself to blame for that…since i skipped ALL the lectures on algo…

my progress:
201 – almost halfway through it… but i can see that im not going to do well if i don’t work harder on this module…this is by far one of the worst module i’ve ever gotten… plus the sucky work that i’ve done for my traffic light project… i think i gotta work ALOT harder for my exams before i have to retake this module next semester!!

202 – almost done with the revision of the notes… but havent really started revising the past year papers… this module is just a wee bit better than 201

203 – FIRST PAPER!! (if i don’t consider translation paper at all which is the TRUE first paper) … but i havent really ‘touched’ anything on it… gotta go review all the video lectures… haixxx~ soooo gone~

204 – discrete math part, i just gotta practise more… my algo part…!!! ahhh … i feel like crying whenever i think of it!!

HT101 – the translation paper… haixx… i think im just gonna study it during the weekends before the paper…

CBC811 – Forensic Science Paper… i’m kind of lucky that it’s the last paper… coz i’ve skipped almost ALL the lectures too~ im going to study it after all the core papers….

that’s my progress so far… haha i see no way of scoring well for this semester…
but still gotta work hard… if i get better results i might score a chance to go for my dreamed exchange program to Japan!!

i’m suppose to go NTU to borrow some stuff from Simin, but she haven’t reply my sms… boohoo…now i dunno if i should go to school or not…
im feeling lethargic…

oh… did i forget to mention that i have my jap exams in conjunction with my sch exams… haixx… ~~~ -_-||

JLPT too~ in dec!!

suxx…

i’m really very tired…
some stuff happened and my mood recently isnt really the best ~
it’s like inferior complexity suddenly struck me ya know…
freaking complicated emotions and thoughts…
n i can’t post it out here since the people involved read my blog “sometimes”
this makes me feel like getting another private blog somewhere…
n not let anyone know…
oh …. i realized by recording your own voice… voicing everything out, makes me feel so much better~
it’s like there’s someone who’s willing to listen to me… except that the someone is myself…

after what’s has been happening… i realized im the one who is the outcast… who doesn’t have real friends…
(i had to resort to using voice memo to get a “listener” to my problems”; im thinking of getting a webcam with a mic… n maybe i can do podcast…though i think my voice is really wierd when i listen to myself…but …but…what if i develop a split personality?? eh..come to think of it…it’s rather cool if there’s another Angeline)
and, i’m always the one commenting that Eric and Henedick being anti-social…and social outcast…
(i apologise to that… to the both of you… shall treat u guys to ice cream for that)
if i seriously go over my life… i’ve been the one that’s the outcast… n not having any real friends to turn to…
always seeking shelter in my boyfriends…
it’s not that having-a-boyfriend that is narrowing my social circle…
it’s the fact that i don’t want to accept other people n that’s why i stick to my boyfriend.
pretty screwed life isn’t it…
i think so too ya know…
i’m always wondering how people can have very close friends who always hang out together… go out together when i can’t …i’m just always with my boyfriend or alone…
i’m never in a group…
it all comes down to me being a anti-social freak…
oh…did i say freak?
no matter how i console myself by saying, “you don’t determine your life by the quantity of close friends you have but by the quality of the close friends you have.”
but the truth is, i don’t even have a close friend.

I want to runaway…
I don’t know how to face everyone…I don’t know how to face my boyfriend, n my friends around me.
I apologise for not putting enough effort in our friendship n relationship…i really don’t know how to… but i really did try…

I’m the kind that’s so preoccupied with myself that i always neglect those around me…
Change…did someone say change?
the greatest change i can make in my life now is …
err…
i also don’t know…
i thought of breaking up with my boyfriend… spend more time with my friends…
it’s a fatal point of mine that i can’t juggle well between my friends and my bf…
i’m still considering…but i would be making a mistake(yea, i know it’ll be a mistake…since it’ll be a choice that i would be makig after being forced to a corner) just like the one i made 6 years ago…and lost someone the guy i really liked at that time…(though the situation was different).

this is a little out of point… but … i used to have a group of close friends… they are still my friends though…
i hung out with them very often in the past…
but recently… because of school, bf and difference in interests… i dfited apart from them…

when i was reading one of their blogs(the guy that i used to think was my closest friend), i was excluded out of the group when he was addressing people in his group of close friends….
(im an oversensitive piece of crap…pardon me please)
our friendship dates back to when i was 13…
n i was devastated… but it’s my fault for not maintaining the friendship with them…
i just feel so left out…
my used-to-be best friend in the world… also felt so far…n unreachable…
when i went for outings with them, i always felt this gap…
she is no longer my best friend… n i know she feels the same way…
i can’t expect people to treat me the same way after not contactng each other for so long, and not hanging out often…
but i really don’t like clubbing…(they go clubbing often)
the only time they might call me out …?
mahjong session…
which,recently, i don’t have the time for that since school is getting to me…

my best friend from JC… i haven’t been contacting her for so long that i feel so ashame to call her…
when my other friend asked me about her, like how she’s doing n stuff… i felt so ashame to say i don’t know…
what a fucked up friend i am…argh…

Also,i had a very good friend from secondary sch too… but we go to different university…
n well, her birthday present is still with me(her birthday is in May)
that’s how long we haven’t been meeting…
you know, sometimes when i surf through friendster…
i see all my friends’ photos with their best friends…
everyone is so happy, everyone has their best friends to write testimonials for them…
i don’t even have friends to take photo with…
i’m just a sucker at building and maintaining friendship…argh…

now, i just don’t belong anywhere….
maybe that’s why i like going back to my mom… n my sister…
im 21, but i still enjoy going out with mommy and sister…
coz only when im with them…i feel that i belong somewhere…
since young, i’ve never belonged anywhere…
i don’t even have a proper place to call “my own”
you can never imagine how happy i am when my dad told me he had a room prepared for me in his new house in thailand…
(it’s the secondary master bedroom somemore, he added.)
n people are thinking that im crazy that i wanna go to thailand during his house’s opening ceremony (it’s during the exams)

you know, if a decent man promises to bring me away from singapore, and in return im to marry him, i would agree…
i wouldn’t mind if he’s 30 or 40, i wouldn’t even care if he’s married before or what…
(but it’ll be a miracle for that to happen…)
i wanna belong somewhere…
i wanna go somewhere else to start all over again…

last night, i had a dream
i was back in RV’s(my secondary sch) auditorium in one of the assemblies.
with my old RV friends…
but i still have the memory of the “me” now…
n i was talking to one of my old RV friends…who is famous now…er…out of point…
i was asking her…
what if i don’t go to a JC … and go to a poly…
i knew that i would change the future if i did that…
but she told me that (i cant really remember this part but it’s something like that), you have to make you own choice, n once you made it you must walk on n not regret….
(i don’t remember her being so “cheem” and mature then…but well…it’s a dream)
it suddenly hit me that i had made my choice 5 years ago when i was in sec 4 to go to a JC(junior college) n not polytechnic…
so i have to walk on… living with that…

if u don’t know… JC changed my life forever…
in there… i met the best people n the worst people in my lives…
the best people are from my first year there…
thankx Siling, Aaron, and Mark… you guys are the nicest people i ever met in AC …
in JC, i also encountered the first failure i had in my life…
i got retained after failing my first year…
for a person who got rather good results all the way till sec4 … that one failure hit me real bad…
but i took it as it is.. n went on to my second class in AC and met the worst people i ever met in AC…
they changed my life forever…
kind of changed my perceptions in friendships, relationships and well…life…
the two years in that class were hell…
and the person that accompanied me through it was Lifeng…
thankx lifeng , you are also one of the nicest person i met in AC …
i’m really glad tat you were there for me during the hellish two years in SC7 …
the mental torture that i had been through really changed me…
n i wouldn’t want to go through it again by telling you what was it like…

but as it is always… i’m always not included in the person’s group when i finally started thinking that i’m accepted by someone…
in my second year in AC, my first year’s class was graduating… n they had to make a class page in the school magazine…
(im not blaming them la…) but they did not include me… haix… (told ya im a hyper sensitive freak)
i was really sad for some time…
n i really liked that class alot…

after that, i realized i should be content just with being invited to class outings and them remembering me…
now, i still (sometimes) hang out with Aaron, Siling and Mark (+ 2 other nice gals)
but too bad Aaron and Siling went overseas…

ahh.. im getting out of point… but there’s no point in this post right?
argh…

oh yah… my university …
i met nice people too~
Simin and Adlina!!
they are the nicest gals i met in NTU…
thankx gals!!

i guess i feel much better!!

-Angeline- apologises for this pointless post and she’s waiting for the “miracle” to happen…

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2 Comments

  1. i havent been to ur blog for quite sometime. i can identify with this entry. some of what u described, i’ve gone thru before. i used to be from TJC/NTU too. and i flunked my first subject in NTU, got retained. it was a major hit for me.

    take care. wat’s impt now is just to get ur studies over and done with. u are a unique person. hope tat one day, we might be able to meet up and talk more. meanwhile, jia you!

  2. Thankx…. *hugz* you’re such a nice person~~ ^_^
    this post was just an emotional outburst from the exams stress~
    thankx for the encouragement!!
    NTU’s really crappy but i guess i will get through it…esp with the support and encouragement from the nice people around me…
    ty….
    -Angeline-


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