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What exactly is my blog for??
i really dun noe now…
at first…
it’s for me to crap out all my thoughts and feelings…
but with people around me viewing this blog…
i realise something
i actually cant say what i want!!
wat the fuck??
wat an irony!
i created this blog to vent my frustrations n it actually became something that i had to control my emotions on…
as in…
i have to control my speech …
so tat i will not expose the ‘evil’ or innermost me that is ‘bad’
i think i mentioned before …
the innermost me is very very evil
Improbus is probably the word…
its the latin word for “inferior, bad, wicked, persistent, perverse, bold”
maybe not perverse… but …well..the rest kind of suits the innermost me… i guess..
sad to say…no one really understands me
i don’t understand myself too~
i feel so evil sometimes…
the things i do… i feel hypocritical…
the things i say… i feel so fake…
sometimes i dun even noe if i mean it…
one of my fren tells me im self-hypnotising myself…telling myself that im evil im bad on the inside…
but i noe that its not true…
are there actually people like me out there??
i wonder…

sometimes…i don’t feel the need to belong to a group… sometimes i desire to belong somewhere…
othertimes… i detest people who use the fact that they belong to a group to tease loners…outcasts…
why?
coz im one myself…
i feel that i don’t belong anywhere no matter which situation i m in.
maybe its just the way that im brought up…
maybe its just my family background [see im blaming my family again]
i don’t seem to like to blame myself…
argh…
or maybe im blaming myself by saying tat …
how confused a person i am…
i don’t feel sane ya noe
or do u think im crazy also…
but to a certain extent [it’s proven] , everyone in the urban society is not as mentally sane as they think they are…isnt it?

I’m definitely not a very sociable person…
i guess people out there might think that im wierd…
i blurt out at wierd times and remain silent at the wrong moments…
tat’s why i have little frenz…
i act wierd…
i kind of hate that … but it’s hard to change…
from what i’ve remembered…
i don’t use to be like that…
a few years ago… i was like everyone…
as cheerful and as sociable…
i can’t remember the pitfall and the even that changed me so drastically…
it’s not that i don’t have close frens n mates to support me..
i just succumbed to the darker side of me…
sad , isnt it?
i cant even express my true feelings properly now
people always misunderstand me…n end up shunning me.
but once again…
how many true loyal friends are there in this world…
one cannot hope for many….
if it’s for real….one is enough…

i hate the dark side of me…
i wanna fight it…
but im so tired…
[see im procastinating]
if humans need peer support in order to survive in good mental health,
i seem to lack of that…
or maybe its just me — not opening my heart enough to the outside world…
and maybe that’s why i always tend to like characters from animes n mangas…
coz they always seem more perfect than real people…
i always like to wonder how nice it would be if they were real!
its just an empty dream…
a very sad and heart-breaking dream…that will never come true…
i guess im just too tired and grouchy!!
—-Angeline

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One Comment

  1. This is Angeline from 2007 … man~ I’m farking childish! 😀


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